I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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