I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I know her cup size but not her name....
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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