R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
