im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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