I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
