apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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