Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
