She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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