If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
