I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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