I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
