I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
