Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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