Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
