Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
