Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
