Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
