I'm jealous of your bromance
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
