end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
