yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
He better not be in your backpack
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
