Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
God I need to hump something, right now.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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