Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
