totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
