My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
