remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
