Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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