The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
