I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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