Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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