i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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