Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
