2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
