So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
