Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
