i think my tv is drunk
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
