Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
