I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
