I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
