I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
