Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
