i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
