You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
