i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
