I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
