do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You ruined the universe
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
