two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
