I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm experimenting with sincerity
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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