You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
