the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
My bed smells like the plague
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
