your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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