sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
