This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize