New invention idea: vibrating tampons
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
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