some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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