i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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