a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize