and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
