my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I need to align my fucking chakras
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
