Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
