i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
